


Unpave My Path

by MegGonagall



Series: When The Pawn... [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bisexuality, Depression, Disassociation, F/F, F/M, Heavy Angst, Marijuana, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Promiscuity, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-10-26 17:48:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17750600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MegGonagall/pseuds/MegGonagall
Summary: What was another mistake, when it seemed she had recently acquired quite a taste for them?





	Unpave My Path

**Author's Note:**

> This one-shot is inspired by the song A Mistake, by Fiona Apple, which I highly suggest listening to, since it's an incredible song, and fits the story very well.

_All the advice I shunned, and I ran_  
_Where they told me not to run, but I sure_  
_Had fun, so_  
_I'm gonna fuck it up again_  
_I'm gonna do another detour_  
_Unpave my path_  
_— Fiona Apple_

***

Lily Potter sat watching the smoke from her cigarette curl into the air of the dimly lit pub. The stale stench of alcohol saturated each word the bloke next to her shouted over the thumping bass, that blasted out from all around her. She twisted a lock of her auburn hair around her finger, as her eyes travelled to the dance floor, watching the scene before her. It was like a moment out of one of those Muggle films which her Grandpa Weasley recently discovered. The type when the protagonist somehow found their way inside a den of debauchery, filled with young, beautiful people, partially dressed and sweaty, curling themselves around a stranger, in order to forget about the hell they knew as life.

Although, Lily did not feel like the protagonist in anyone’s story. Lately, she felt as if she were merely a background character. Just fading into obscurity, disappearing into her drinking, and more often than not, mindless shagging. It was easier to forget the pain when one’s mind and body were otherwise occupied.

She took a long pull from her cigarette, and blew out slowly, tipping her head back and opening her mouth into a perfect O shape, making little smoke rings form above her. As she watched the circles fade away with mild amusement, she felt a tap on her shoulder.

Shit, she thought, he asked something, didn’t he?

Lily twisted towards him and felt her lips curl up into the false smile she had become accustomed to making as of late.

“Sorry?” she yelled.

Adam? Or maybe it was Ian? Whatever the bloke’s name was, he leaned in slowly — she assumed he was attempting to be seductive, and placed his lips at the shell of her ear. At least he wasn’t able to see her roll her eyes.

“I asked if you wanted to get out of here, beautiful?”

Lily looked him over, silently appraising him. He wasn’t half bad looking, she supposed. And he seemed friendly enough. He had warm brown eyes, the kind she was usually a fool for. The kind like _he_ had. No. No, Lily would absolutely, resolutely, _not_ think about that fucker. Not tonight. Not any night, if she could have helped it.

But who the fuck was she fooling? If it hadn’t been for _him_ , she would have never spiraled down into this fucking mental limbo nightmare which caused her to drink into oblivion, and fuck her way through half of Wizarding Britain. And a good portion of Muggle Britain, she added.

Well no, that was an exaggeration. But, her number had climbed significantly since he left her.

_Stop it!_ She scolded herself. No more of her mental energy was going to be spent on her ex that evening.

Adam-Ian, she really _should_ make sure she learned his name before the night ended, looked at her hopefully. Lily gave a single nod, before downing the rest of her vodka and cherry soda, and then stood from her seat. Fuck it, she thought. What was another mistake, when it seemed she had recently acquired quite a taste for them?

 

The next afternoon Lily woke coughing. Her chest hurt from the numerous cigarettes she had the night before, and her hair smelled awful from the smoke. Ian — thankfully one of his mates said his name as they left the pub the evening before — left after their sloppy drunken night together. It was dreadful, as it usually was, but she didn’t sleep with people for any other reason than to silence her insecurities.

He once told her how terrible she had been in bed. “ _You‘re fucking_ lifeless! _A total bore_ ,” he spat at her cruelly, after she had learned of his infidelity. “ _Why do you think I fucked so many other girls?_ ”

It hurt. She wouldn’t deny that what he said hurt. Of course it fucking did. He was her first. She _loved_ him. Plus, she thought she’d been doing just fine, thank you very much. No one else seemed to have any complaints now, however.

Squinting, due to the bright light coming in from her bedroom window, Lily wrapped a sheet from her bed around her naked body, and padded out to the kitchen. Coffee. She desperately needed coffee.

As she was sat at the table sipping from her mug, she heard a noise in her sitting room. Someone had just Floo’d in. She rolled her eyes and began rubbing at her temples. The headache she had was nearly unbearable, and if it was who she thought it was, she was in no mood for another lecture.

“Lily,” her cousin Rose Weasley said, with disappointment evident in her tone.

She stood in the doorway of her kitchen, dressed impeccably in respectable, modest, green robes, shaking her perfectly curled red head at Lily.

“Look at the state of you,” she scolded as she walked in and took the seat across from her. “Have you any idea what time it is?”

Lily scowled, and made a show out of looking at her clock on the wall.

“It’s nearly three in the afternoon, and I’m guessing you just rolled out of bed?” she blabbered on.

Merlin, she sounded more and more like Aunt Hermione with each year that passed.

“Fuck off,” Lily mumbled under her breath.

“What was that?” Rose asked sharply.

Lily shook her head. “Nothing,” she said, and took a drink of her coffee.

The two girls sat silently, while Rose tapped her fingers impatiently on the table. Her eyes bore into Lily’s, and they screamed of disapproval. Each little tap sounded like a bomb going off, with the state of Lily’s head. Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and reached across the table to still her cousin’s hand.

“Must you?” Lily hissed.

Rose huffed and folded her hands on her lap.

“Is there a reason for your visit?” asked Lily. “Or did you just come to sit there and silently judge me?”

Instead of answering, Rose swished her wand, silently summoning a tea cup, and proceeded to make herself tea. She raised an eyebrow at Lily.

“Since you didn’t offer…” she shrugged, stirring a spoon in her mug.

Lily snorted, then went back to her coffee in silence, hoping her cousin would have taken the hint, and left. Sadly, that did not happen.

“Uncle Harry is apoplectic,” Rose said suddenly. “I overheard him talking to dad.”

So her dad was angry, what of it? Her dad seemed perpetually angry with her as of late.

“He found out about Michael Corner,” Rose continued.

That got Lily’s attention. It was stupid, she knew that, but several weeks beforehand, she… spent an evening with him, after meeting him in a pub. Obviously she was aware that he was an older man, but at the time, she didn’t know exactly who he was. It wasn’t until a few days afterwards.

“You honestly slept with a man who _dated your mother_ ,” Rose whispered those last three words, as if they were in public, and she was afraid someone would have overheard them. “While they were in school together?”

Lily narrowed her eyes. “It’s not like I knew that, Rose.”

“Well I find it rather creepy. Almost as if he were using you for some sick fantasy about your mum.”

“Rose…” Lily said in warning. Her temper was rising.

It wasn’t as if Lily didn’t already think the exact same thing when she found that out. Not as if she would have admitted that to her annoying cousin, but the truth was she was nauseated when she found out she shagged a bloke who was one of her mother’s ex-boyfriends.

Add another mistake to the growing list, she thought.

“He’s thinking of cutting off your rent.”

Rose just wouldn’t stop. It was almost like she was enjoying coming there to rub all of this shit in her face.

“He said something along the lines of, ‘If I knew she was going to turn her flat into a shag pad, I would have never helped her out with it, after she lost another job.’”

The overbearing twit made sure to put enough emphasis on the word _another_ , Lily thought sourly.

It wasn’t her fault this time! Her boss had been a complete twat! He honestly expected her to come in on a Saturday of all days, _and_ write her up for a violation she didn’t even do? One that her co-worker did? Fuck that. She had no other choice but to storm out of there.

Lily sat there grinding her teeth, trying with all of her might not to lash out and say something to Rose that she might have regretted. Besides Albus and Scorpius, Rose was the only other person in her family really speaking to her.

“I’m worried about you,” said Rose with a softness in her otherwise haughty tone.

Rolling her eyes, Lily shoved her seat back and stood up from the table. Without a word she stalked from the kitchen and headed to her room to find some clothes. She wasn’t in the mood for another heart to heart while she sat in nothing but a sheet.

“Lily!” She heard Rose call out from the kitchen. “Come on, we need to talk. You can’t keep avoiding conversations when they start to become too much for you!”

_Like hell I can’t_ , she thought as she rummaged through her chair of semi-dirty clothes.

After Lily dressed, she grabbed a half-smoked spliff from her dresser. If she had to listen to Rose’s _concerns_ , at least a nice mellow high would make it a hell of a lot easier.

She walked back into the kitchen with a cough. Damn shit she bought was super harsh, but at least it had been cheap, and got the job done. Rose turned and looked at her with a scrunched nose.

“ _Must_ you smoke that around me?” Rose snapped.

Lily strolled passed her cousin, taking care to blow a puff of smoke at her face. She laughed watching Rose wave her hands around her head, trying to make the smoke disappear, with a scowl on her face.

“Cow,” Rose hissed.

Lily threw her head back and laughed harder.

“Oh lighten up, Rose. You need to take your wand out of your arse and live a little.”

Lily reached across the table and nodded encouragingly, offering her some spliff. “Yeah?”

Rose rolled her eyes and pushed Lily’s hand away.

Lily shrugged. “More for me then,” she said before taking a long puff.

“Lily, listen to me,” Rose pleaded. “I don’t understand what has happened to you. You went from being one of the top of your class, had all of these promising job opportunities, to…” she waved her hand out in front of her, frowning. “This.”

She tried to pay attention to what Rose was saying. And she knew it should have irritated her. However, she was suddenly fixated on the freckles peppered across her cousin’s face. Several of them almost looked like the outline of a star.

“I mean, I’m sorry about what happened between you and Shane, I really am-“

That snapped Lily out of it. _He_ was a taboo. Everyone knew that. His name was _never_ to be mentioned in her presence.

“Stop,” Lily demanded. “Stop right now, or Merlin help me, I will hex you.”

“But Lily, you can’t keep going on like this. It’s insane. This self-destruction isn’t just hurting you, you know. It’s hurt-“

Yes, it was childish, but Lily couldn’t take anymore, and covered her ears with her hands.

“Stop. Stop, stop, STOP!” she roared.

How fucking dare she? Rose, with her perfect little boyfriend, and her perfect little job, her perfect little clothes, perfect little life. Everything always came so fucking easily to her. The bitch never had anything or anyone taken from her. She never experienced heartbreak. And not just any heartbreak, but the fucking betrayal of learning the man she loved was fucking anything with a pulse and a hole, and blamed _her_ for his vile behavior.

Fuck Rose. Fuck her lectures. Fuck her _concern_.

“I think you should go,” said Lily in a dead, monotone voice.

Rose didn’t budge, and Lily partially debated physically removing her from her home.

“You’re acting like a child, Lily. _Again_. Fucking hell, you’re twenty-two years old, it’s time to grow the fuck up. It’s not like you’re the only person in the world who has had their heart broken.”

Without a second thought, Lily reached for her wand.

_“Flipendo!”_

And with a dark smile, Lily watched her cousin’s chair flip back, as Rose crashed to the ground with a satisfying thud.

“Get. The. Fuck. OUT!” she shrieked.

Lily should have felt bad when Rose stood, and straightened her hair and robes with tears in her eyes. She should have felt bad when Rose told her in a shaky voice that she was finished with her, and would most certainly not be back. She should have felt bad. Right? But all she felt was nothing. Well, nothing, and the need to go out and have a few drinks.

 

Later that evening, she and her best mate, Siobhan Finnigan sat in the crowded pub throwing back shots with some randoms they picked up. Her argument with Rose had long been drowned away, plus the minor distraction of the bulky Quidditch bloke’s hand creeping up her short pink skirt definitely helped as well.

Deep down she knew she was a fucking mess. That the drinking and the shagging were like putting spellotape over a leak in a dam. She knew she couldn’t keep going like this, and that it wouldn’t have been much longer until she completely burned out. But, every time someone decided to call her out on her shit, she almost felt like she had to _prove_ that she could have continued like this, and would end up perfectly fine. She was young, right? And weren’t you supposed to go out, drink, and have a good time when you were young?

Throughout the night, the alcohol continued to flow, and Lily’s inhibitions faded away into non-existence. She danced much too close to the flavor of the night, snogged Siobhan, like they normally did after too many drinks. And before she knew it, she, Siobhan, and the two blokes were back at her flat.

Everything was a bit hazy, but she somewhat remembered agreeing to a group shag at some point. Some small part of her was screaming at her that this was too much, that she honestly didn’t want to participate in this. It wasn’t as if she was a prude. No, she was no prude by any means. And it wasn’t as if she and Siobhan hadn’t slept together in the past. They have, multiple times. But something about, basically an orgy, didn’t sit well with her.

The events that evening seemed to happen in flashes, due to the level of her intoxication. One moment she and Siobhan were undressing in her bathroom together. The next she and one of the blokes were shagging on the floor, next to her friend and the other bloke. Then she and Siobhan were together, while the guys watched. Suddenly she was shagging the other Wizard. It was like watching an x-rated slide show. She never felt present during the entire debacle.

Add yet another mistake to the list.

 

Lily was jolted awake suddenly by a blast of light shining in her room. She groaned loudly as the events from the previous night started to replay in her mind. What had she been thinking? She felt bile rise in her throat, her stomach clenched painfully, and her cheeks quickly filled with water. Lily leaned over the side of her bed and vomited profusely, barely making it to her bin in time.

“For fuck’s sake, Lils, put some damn clothes on, would you?” she heard her brother say.

Lily immediately covered herself with her blanket and sat up in her bed. Panicking, she looked next to her, and felt intense relief when she saw it was empty.

“What are you doing here, Al?” she croaked out.

Her voice sounded more like an eighty year old man, than a twenty-two year old woman that morning.

“I thought you could use some help tidying up,” he told her with a shrug. “Plus...erm. Dad is coming ‘round in about an hour.”

Ugh, no. There was no way she could have dealt with her father. Not when more and more memories from last night were flowing back into her mind. She was disgusted with herself for letting things get so out of hand. Three people at one time? What the _actual fuck_ had she been thinking?

“Ah, Al. Can’t you talk him into coming some other time? I’m not really feeling up to it today,” she whined.

Albus gave her a sad little smile. “‘Fraid not, little sis. He’s sort of on a warpath.”

Lily threw her blankets over her head, and flopped onto her back.

“I’ll give you a minute to get up and get dressed, but then we should really get a move on, yeah?” Albus said, before closing her door.

She rolled out of bed gingerly, since her entire body felt like she spent hours at the gym. Every muscle, down to her little toe, felt sore and strained. What a fucking night, she thought, with a mild hint of shame bringing a light blush to her pale cheeks.

A row with her father was the absolute last thing she wanted to do that day. And cleaning wasn’t exactly high on her list either.

After she threw on a hooded sweatshirt and a pair of joggers from her chair, she flicked her wand to send the empty bottles of alcohol into the bin, and the four leftover spliffs tucked into her sock drawer. Marijuana use wasn’t illegal as far as Wizards were concerned, but since she was currently residing in Muggle London, she knew her father wouldn’t have appreciated the parifinalia out in the open.

She zombie-walked into her kitchen after she felt her room was decent enough, to find Albus there with her dishes self-cleaning above the sink, and the mop working its way around her floor. He hummed to himself as he threw some more bottles into the bin, and didn’t seem to notice Lily standing watching him.

“You reckon he’s going to bring up Corner?” she asked.

Albus turned around and frowned.

“Dunno.” He shrugged. “Probably not, I’d think. I’m not sure he wants to get into detail about your… extracurricular activities.”

Lily pointed her wand at her coffee maker, and began to help Albus clean. She knew her brothers didn’t approve of her behavior, but Albus was the least vocal about it. She and James had it out roughly three months ago, and hadn’t really spoken to one another since. They’d behave civilly during Sunday dinners at The Burrow, but that had been strictly for their grandparents’ sake. Other than that, James didn’t really bother with her much anymore.

“Lil?” Albus said softly. She could tell he was trying to tread cautiously, from the way he hesitated, and chewed on his bottom lip.

“Spit it out, Al.”

“I’m just. Erm… I mean. I’m… I’m worried about you, Lily.”

Lily groaned loudly, and plopped down into her usual spot at the kitchen table.

“Not you too,” she whined.

Albus took the seat across from her, and filled both of them a mug of coffee.

“No, Lil. I’m not going to try to parent you. I just… I want you to be okay. And, well, it’s obvious that you’re not.”

She wanted to be angry with him, the way she had been with Rose. But she always had a soft spot for Albus. And with the way he looked at her, his green eyes wide and filled with sincere concern, she found her icy exterior thaw minutely.

“I’m fine, Al. Really,” she told him, trying to make her tone seem genuine.

Those words, _I’m fine_ , she’d said them so often, that they almost came out robotically at this point. Albus, who had heard those words come from her many, many times, raised a skeptical eyebrow.

“ _Really_ , Al. I’ve just been out having a laugh, enjoying my youth, and all that nonsense, that’s all.”

Just as Albus was about to respond, both she and her brother’s eyes went wide, when hearing a crash in her sitting room. Both of them knew that must have been their father arriving. She’d always heard he had a difficult time using the Floo, and apparently, he’d never grown out of it.

“Lily!” she heard him call out. His tone was less than friendly.

“So I better…” Albus trailed off, as he quickly stood from his seat.

She really wished that he would have stayed. It was always easier receiving a scolding from one of her parents when Albus was present.

“Yeah. See you later, Al,” she whispered.

“Lily! You and I need to have a talk right -“

Her father stormed into the kitchen, his black hair messier than normal, and stopped at the sight of his middle child also in the room.

“Oh, hey, Al,” Harry said with his brow furrowed in confusion. “I was just coming to have a chat with your sister.”

Albus shot a quick look of sympathy at Lily, before backing away from the table.

“Yeah, I was just leaving, dad. I’ll come ‘round later to see mum, if you want to let her know.”

“Sure. Bring Scorpius along. She’s been going on and on about how you both don’t visit enough since you’ve moved out.”

Harry and Albus said their goodbyes, Albus mouthed, _good luck_ , behind her father’s back, as Harry turned to glare at Lily. She felt her shoulders droop under his scrutinizing stare, and all of her muscles tensed, awaiting what he had to say.

His face was becoming more lined, she noticed, as she watched him run his hand through his hair. Funny how age seemed to hit people all at once. One moment they still seemed to have a baby face, then almost over night wrinkles and a spattering of grey hairs arrived. It was slightly unsettling for Lily to watch it happen to her father because, a part of her wondered if she were the cause of his rapid aging.

“Lily,” he said tiredly, sitting down and taking the seat Albus had just vacated.

If it weren’t for the aging face, and the faded, famous lightning bolt scar on his forehead, it almost looked like Albus never left. Well that, and the look of disgust in her father’s green eyes had been significantly different than the gentle look of concern in Al’s.

“I… I don’t know what to do with you anymore,” Harry told her, with an exasperated edge to his tone. “The stories I’ve been hearing, the fact that you don’t even seem to be attempting to find another job, and,” he glanced around at the semi-mess she and Al didn’t have a chance to finish tidying, “the way you’re living…”

Lily didn’t know what to say. Actually that was a lie. There were a few things that she wanted to say. But, nothing that was springing to mind would have done anything else but cause him to shout at her. And, thankfully, he’d been much calmer than she’d been expecting him to be, so she very much preferred to have kept it that way.

“I don’t know what to do,” he repeated in a whisper.

“I’m sorry, dad,” she said softly.

The corner of his mouth lifted into a sad half-smile. He shook his head softly, then let out a deep sigh.

“I am, too, Lily. I’m sorry to do this, but I really have no other choice.”

Her body stiffened. Was Rose right? Was he going to cut off her rent? How the fuck was she supposed to pay for her flat if he did? 

“A month. I’m giving you one month to find a job, and if you don’t have one by then… Well. I’m not helping you out with your rent any longer.”

His jaw was set, and he did not break eye contact with her. Lily knew that meant that he wasn’t bluffing.

She could have argued with him. Hell, she wanted to, badly. However, after everything with Rose the day before, and the complete fuck up of an evening she had after that, she just couldn’t have been arsed to argue. She was tired. That deep down to the bone, who the fuck even cared what happened to her, certainly not her, kind of tired. All she could do was nod in response.

“You can do it, Lils,” he said. His tone softened. “You’re better than this. You’re better than how you’ve been living.”

Again, she _wanted_ argue. To scream and shout, and tell her own father to get the fuck away from her, and get out of her home. But again, she couldn’t. Again, she just nodded.

Harry must have sensed that he wasn’t going to get any other response from Lily, or he felt just as uncomfortable with the whole situation as she did, but whatever it was, he got up from the table, and told her goodbye.

She couldn’t even look at her father as he left the room, and the moment she heard him disappear into the Floo, the tears began to fall.

Then out of nowhere, Lily completely snapped. Anger clawed its way out of her chest, in the sound of a feral growl. In a moment of desperate rage, she drew her wand from her pocket and began blasting the mugs on her kitchen table, the dishes set out next to her sink, the pictures on the walls, then finally, with an animalistic shriek, her kitchen table was blasted into nothing more than a pile of splinters.

Lily slowly fell to her knees on the ground with her head between her hands, where she rocked herself back and forth, sobbing and hiccoughing, wishing more than anything that she could have been blasted away to nothing, just as the debris around her had been.

 

Over the course of the next few weeks, Lily did apply to some places for work. But, whenever she received a response from a potential employer, she would never respond. She didn’t know why she did it. But for whatever reason, when the owls would deliver a time and place for an interview, she’d immediately incinerate the letter.

Nearly every night Lily found herself at her favorite pub, and just about as frequently, she would bring another wizard or witch back to her bed with her. Her self-destruction had reached its zenith, to the point where she was hardly recognizing herself in the mirror any longer. And she couldn’t remember a time when she’d ever hated herself quite as much.

When the end of the month came, Lily still had no job. And true to her father’s word, he did not give her the money for her rent which was to be due the following day.

Lily begged, screamed, cried, and did every childish thing she could have, to try to convince him to help her one last time, but nothing worked. And two weeks after, she was evicted from her flat.

Now, Lily was homeless, broke, and completely broken.

Add the biggest mistake to her list.

Not knowing what else to do, she spoke with her brother Albus’ godfather, Neville Longbottom. He knew of the situation, partly. And he told her that Harry might have killed him if he’d found out, but Neville talked his wife Hannah into letting Lily stay at the Leaky Cauldron for three nights, completely free. He told her he wouldn’t have felt right making her sleep on the streets.

On her second night in the inn, she wrote to Siobhan explaining her situation. The next day, she wrote back, telling Lily she could stay with her, but unfortunately she had nothing more to offer her than the softest part of her floor. Siobhan currently had two other people crashing at her three room flat, and there really wasn’t much room for Lily, but she said they’d make it work.

The following three weeks were the absolute lowest point of Lily’s life. The two blokes who were staying at Siobhan’s with them were truly frightening. They were shady, secretive, and Lily didn't trust them at all. They were also Muggles, so the girls were careful not to use any magic around them. She heavily suspected they were selling drugs, considering there were people coming and going from the flat at all hours of the night. None of their visitors ever stayed for more than a few minutes at a time.

Lily tried to distract herself the usual way; shagging, alcohol and marijuana. The only highlight had been that she did not have to sleep on the floor longer than just the first night she was there. But that was mostly due to the fact that she and Siobhan shagged nightly after that, and Lily would fall asleep in her bed.

By the end of the third week, Lily hit her breaking point. Another visitor came to the flat to see Jonathan — one of the blokes staying with the girls. The man who came there ended up pulling a knife on Lily and Jonathan, and nearly killed them both. If it hadn’t been for quick thinking, and magic on Lily’s part, she was sure that both of them would have been dead. Of course Lily had to Obliviate them both, and sent their almost-killer out of the flat. But right after that she grabbed her belongings and ran out of there as quickly as her feet could carry her.

She walked around London for hours that day, not knowing what to do next. Where could she have gone? Not to Rose, that was for sure. She could have gone to Albus, but she couldn’t bring herself to let him see her in the state she’d been in. She was filthy, and had lost a frightening amount of weight, since she hadn’t had the money to really eat much of anything in weeks. No, he couldn’t see her.

As she sat down on a bench, and watched the people walk by, the fleeting thought of, _I just want my mum_ , came into her head.

Why couldn’t she have gone home? They were her parents, for Merlin’s sake. And she knew she couldn’t continue on this way any longer. She’d almost been killed that day, and if she kept going the way she had been, she most certainly would be dead before she reached her twenty-third birthday.

Fuck it, she thought. What was the worst that could happen if she went home? She’d already completely hit rock bottom. There was only one way she could go now, and that was up. She’d just go home, apologize, and _really_ get her shit together. No more fucking around. Because, honestly, she couldn’t afford to any longer. 

 

Lily stood on the doorstep of the Potter’s cottage in Godric’s Hollow. Her heart raced as she attempted to comb out her hair with her fingers, before entering the house.

_I can do this_ , she thought, reaching for the doorknob with a shaky breath. 

She stepped through the doorway of her childhood home, and became overwhelmed with emotion. It was _home_. The smell of roast chicken, the wooden broomstick handles, her mother’s lavender candles, it all crashed down on her. Before she could stop them, tears began flooding down her cheeks.

“Mum!” she called out in a thick voice. “Mum, are you home?”

Lily slowly made her way back towards the kitchen, where she thought she heard the wireless playing a Quidditch match. She stopped at the door and took another deep breath, before walking in.

Ginny turned around from the stove when she heard the door open, and dropped the spoon in her hand when she saw her daughter. Lily knew she looked a fright, and probably should have found somewhere to wash up before she came home. But she just needed her mother so badly that she didn’t even think of it.

Lily knew that her mother was a pretty witch, but seeing her for the first time in so long, after all she had been through, she thought she’d never seen anything more beautiful in her life.

“Mum,” Lily croaked out, sounding much more like a small child, than a fully grown woman.

Before she could contain herself, Lily rushed forward and threw herself into her mother’s arms, and completely broke down. Her whole body shook, as she clung to her mother, almost like she was afraid Ginny would disappear.

Ginny patted her hair, as Lily just repeated, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Mum,” over and over.

She’d felt so foolish for everything that she’d done, and everything she’d put her family through. She felt selfish, and completely ashamed of herself. And there was nothing more that she needed than her mum’s forgiveness.

Lily wasn’t sure how long she stood there squeezing her mother. It felt like ages. She cried, and cried for so long, it got to the point where she wasn’t able to shed another tear.

When Lily finally let go of Ginny, she gestured for her to sit down at the kitchen table, and made them both some tea. They talked for quite some time, and Lily begged to be able to come home, and promised that she would straighten her life out, and make amends with the family members she had alienated.

Eventually Harry came home, and was more than surprised to see Lily sat at the table. Things were awkward at first, but then she jumped up and hugged him as tightly as she did her mother.

The three Potters had a very long chat that evening, but eventually her parents agreed to allow her to come home. The only stipulation was that Lily come and work for Harry, as his receptionist, until she got back on her feet, and was able to find a more suitable career for her talents. Lily happily agreed.

It took some time, and countless apologies, but Lily was finally able to patch things up between herself and James, and also Rose. She gave up drinking, since she knew that it wasn’t something she could do casually. Not now, at least. And she hadn’t touched a spliff since the day she left Siobhan’s flat. She also decided to cut things off with Siobhan, realizing that even though she had a lot of fun with the girl, the friendship they had was quite toxic, and not at all something Lily needed in order for her to remain healthy.

Healthy was finally something Lily was striving for, and for once found herself willing to work towards it. Shane was nearly all but forgotten. No man was worth fucking your life up for. She finally realized that. And she was finished fucking up her life.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first of trilogy of one-shots, which will be centered around Lily Luna Potter. Each of them are loosely based off of real events from my life, about 11-15 years ago, and are each inspired by a different Fiona Apple song (which is totally crestwood's fault lol). The next one that will be posted is the prequel to this. You'll meet Shane, and see how Lily came to be the train wreck she was in this piece. I hope you all enjoyed the story!


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